The Price
A snapshot
This is a standalone
piece that isn't for the lighthearted. What price would you pay for freedom and
eternal life? What would you destroy? What horror would you commit? When would
it become so easy that you'd hardly call it a price to be paid? Would you lose
everything you are and should be just to live a little longer in your illusion
of freedom? Would you care if you did? Enjoy, or throw up depending on what
kind of person you are. Hate it? Love it? Let me know.
Note: This is an older version! You can find the newer one: Here
Note: This is an older version! You can find the newer one: Here
The cold of the roof tile seeped in through the leather of
her boots despite the thickness. Her thin cloak hung around her frame,
obscuring her from the eyes of the archers watching the roofs in the rich
district. Her teeth sank into the apple that would be her dinner for the night
if she didn't manage to pilfer something from the house while she did what she
came for. She thought of cursing the cold but in truth she found the
enchantments of silence and concealment on her clothing much more useful in the
life she led.
She slipped down the tiles with ease and climbed down to the
window she knew was occupied by the heir to the merchant's empire. The cold
steel of her blade slid against her skin as she slipped it from its sheath. The
latch within the room that held the window closed flung itself from its hook.
Although she could not have seen what had occurred in the room, she used one of
her legs to gently push the window open into the room and with the grace of a
shadow landed silently upon the wooden floorboards of the boy's room.
The woman perched herself on the headboard looking down on
the boy, waiting for her second sight to return. A glowing thread appeared
before her eyes, turned into a chord, and with a swift motion she cut it. The
blade hummed with the energy it stole as the soul of the boy spiraled away from
the earthly plane to be lost or reborn.
The sound, she knew would wake those that would sense her
crime and seek to prevent her existence from continuing. Out the window, as
fleet as a shadow and just as ephemeral, she fled. Where before she had felt
cold, now she felt warm from the power the blade had enabled her to get. Out of
the district and past the gates she fled unseen. In the house the merchant
slept, his new wife with child next to him, and in all the houses save one
people went about their rest. In the morning, the heir would be found dead and
in the town over her pay would wait. The new wife would rejoice at her victory
and none would be the wiser.
However, on the dock a woman slept waiting for the boat to
come that would take her to a distant shore. With a start she woke, held her
head, and her soul screamed at the foul deed that had been done. She would have
to remain in this town. She needed to set right what'd been wronged.
This is awesome with Amazing detail i want more lol this is dj lol
ReplyDeleteYes, I can see your name on it :)
DeleteThank you, I'm thinking of writing more about the characters in this one but I'm working on something else at the moment.
This is quite intriguing! You have a few grammar blips - only the ones I mentioned in comments of The Wishing Well - but I'll focus on the story.
ReplyDeleteI've read this over a couple times and I did enjoy it, but it leaves me with some questions. The assassin woman, is she the same woman in the last paragraph? (The use of no names is a good choice for a story like this, but you have to be very careful to make sure it's absolutely clear who every "she" and "her" is). If she is the same woman, could you explore a bit more on how she went from cold, heartless assassin wanting to flee to retrieve her pay, to a frightened woman wanting to set right wrongs? If she isn't the same woman, it would be helpful to make it completely obvious that that's the case. This could be accomplished by inserting the word "different" before "woman", really - it wouldn't mess up the flow of the story, and it would make things a bit clearer - or, if you're happy with your word choice as it is, just put that last paragraph in italics. Italics would give the reader the idea that something has changed in the setting and the POV and separate paragraphs from preceding ones.
This story works best in its short, vague format, so if these questions lead to too much information, perhaps it should be left unchanged. See if you can edit some clarity into it, but make sure to keep this version. Decide which you feel tells the story you envisioned. I just wanted to share a few questions and thoughts I had after reading.
Thank you again for your excellent feedback! You've helped me reassure myself of the decisions I've so far made as to where I want to take this little piece of writing.
DeleteI've already started working on the clarity as you aren't the first to be tripped up by the separate character.
I'm intending to make it just a little longer and more in depth but not too much because I do like the feel of it as it is.
The good thing about having a blog is that I can keep the old version, label it as such, and post the new one with links to previous versions of the work. :)